Category Archives: Humor

Strawberries and Sandals

Posted in Family, Humor, Real Life by

It’s that lovely time of year when strawberries are ripe. Until I moved to the San Joaquin Valley of California, I’d never had such delicious—or huge—ones.

I try to stop at the field stands a few times during each season. And then I make sweetened shortcake and whipped cream and we have a meal of dessert—a child’s dream. Spring is a perfect time for child-like behavior. Spring is a child, don’t you think?

On Sunday, my family celebrated the twentieth anniversary of our Kaitlyn’s birth. I can’t quite wrap my brain around that because she’s my granddaughter. Today, is my third son Joseph’s birthday. He claims he’s thirty-eight, but that’s impossible. Since everyone else is clearly lying about their ages, I’ve decided  to be forty-five this year. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Anyway, if you know me, you know I never wear shoes unless forced. As I started to leave for the party on Sunday, I realized I had forgotten to put on glasses and shoes. Unfortunately, I stopped off at my darkened closet before I retrieved my glasses.

Confession: I’m a clutterer. I have a shoe rack, it’s mostly empty because either my shoes are wherever I stepped out of them or piled in front of the shoe rack. So, on Sunday, in my haste and blurriness, I simply slipped my feet into sandals lying next to each other. Obviously, I’m oblivious. This is what I left the house wearing.

Yeah. I did. When did I notice? After I came home.

You know that absent-minded professor stereotype? Does that apply to writers too?

The first rule of blogging

Posted in Blog Stuff, Humor, Writing by

A week ago, I wrote a post titled Writing without writing, which is possible to do, but is it possible to blog without blogging? I’ll answer that question. The first rule of blogging is—you have to blog! You have to write something. Words, if possible.

If you’re keeping track, (humor me) you know I’m not doing so well at blogging. We’re two weeks into the month and I’m three posts behind. My mind is blank—well, no, it’s not blank, but nothing on my mind right now is a topic worthy of blogging about. Um … like now. (That was ninety-seven words about nothing, if you want to keep track.)

Hey, here’s an idea—I’ll blame it on Leap Year. Yeah, that’s it. The extra day in February threw the earth off its axis … or something. Threw me off my axis, maybe. That explains my recent equilibrium problem quite nicely. It’s hard to think straight when you’re staggering around.

Oh ho! Then we had that time change thing, doncha know. I was rudely flung forward an hour into the future. Seems that could mess with your brain, don’t you think? I mean, what could have happened in that hour I missed? I’ll never know. That question will haunt me for the rest of my life.

(Add 107 more useless words on your abacus.)

Do I need mention the weather? Weird, aint’ it? We only toyed with winter here, and now we’ve flung open the door to spring. When the natural progression gets disrupted, I wander off track, whistling aimlessly. Only I’m not, because I can’t seem to pucker like I used to.

So, yeah. I was supposed to be cleaning while I wrote without writing, but sadly, I haven’t accomplished much on that front. I did write a couple scenes for the new novel, but given my state of being, they’re probably nonsense. Maybe I could use them in Words With Friends.

May your days be balanced and productive, friends.

(Total worthless words: 322 … and now you know how to blog without saying anything.)

A Thumb Tale

Posted in Humor, Real Life by

Once upon a time, a right thumb decided to balk at opposition. When forced to do so, it screamed in protest. Because management kept forgetting that, said thumb caused the loss of a steaming mug of tea as well as a mishap with a cool glass of Riesling. And I would be remiss if I failed to mention several distressing encounters with various doorknobs, kitchen tools, and weighty books. Actually, the daily frequency of incidences of opposition have only now become apparent to management.

Notification to management: Until this errant right thumb mends its ways, please utilize its sinistral twin for all opposition duties.

A dialogue with my inner critic

Posted in Critique, Humor, Writing by

We all have inner critics. Some manage them better than others do. All too often, I tremble under the tyranny of mine. She’s not cute and harmless. Not at all. Think She Devil, like this:

I’ll give you an example of how she works. A writer friend emailed me the other day to ask if I’d considered offering editing services to increase my income. She said, “Your writing is so precise and careful.” and indicated she felt I could be of benefit to other writers. All well and good, right?

The next day, while doing some mind-numbing work, I thought about the email again. Suddenly, my inner critic offered a different interpretation.

Inner Critic: Precise and careful, huh?

Me: Yeah, so?

Inner Critic: Sounds to me like she thinks your writing is a bore.

Me: No … I don’t think so.

Inner Critic: Textbooks are precise and careful.

Me: But … I’m pretty sure she meant that as a compliment.

Inner Critic: Ha!

Me: What did she mean, then?

Inner Critic: There’s an old saying: Those who can, write; those who can’t, edit.

In typical She Devil fashion, she poofed away, her cackle echoing in her wake, leaving me to question my worth as a writer … or an editor. She’s pure evil, is my inner critic. Next time she pops in, I’ll slap her with a wet fish.

Boy, do I feel dumb!

Posted in Family, Humor, Real Life, Writing by

Just after dawn this morning, I woke to a buzzing sound. I listened for a few seconds before deciding it must be my husband grinding coffee. Then I turned to look at his side of the bed and saw him lying there with a puzzled look. “What is that sound?” he asked.

I got out of bed, and soon realized the sound was coming from the bathroom. I stepped in and listened. “It’s coming from the light fixture, I think.” We have a four-bulb fixture above the medicine cabinet. I turned the light off and back on. The sound persisted.

My husband investigated and came to the same conclusion. He set up the step stool and tapped on the light. He loosened, then tightened the bulbs. He switched the light off and on. “Go turn the breaker off. Is the one for this bathroom marked?”

The breaker box is outside, so while I was putting on my robe and shoes, he climbed down and put on his shoes. “I’d better go with you,” he said. To which I logically replied, “Then why should I go?” A few seconds later, the bathroom light went out—along with the clock radio and cable box. The buzzing continued. I relayed the bad news.

“Get me a screwdriver,” said my husband. He proceeded to remove the light fixture. The fixture, added to this home before we moved here, was attached to the ceiling instead of the wall above the cabinet, so it’s awkward to work with. Dear husband is not a handyman, and if I hadn’t been standing there, I’m sure he would have addressed the situation with a few choice words.

Alas! The fixture’s removal provided no further clue to the source of the buzzing. We debated the possible causes. Was there something in the attic space directly wired to the main electrical line? Ah-ha, turn off the main breaker!

You know what I’m going to say, right?

So … was it possible the men who put the insulation in two years ago, dropped something that just now set off an alarm … or turned on? Not likely, but “We’ll have to climb up and take a look,” DH said. Understand that our access to the attic is in my craft closet. It takes effort, and time, to remove all the cabinets, shelves, and hanging bags of things to be able to get a ladder in there.

When I opened the door to begin the unloading, my husband cried, “The alarm system!” The wiring box for the old alarm system in this house is also in that closet. He pulled up a chair and leaned in far enough to open it and snip all the wires he could see. “Go see if the buzzing stopped,” he said.

No such luck!

In desperation, he called our Utah son, who was an electrician in the Air Force, and I decided to turn to Google. I entered “buzzing sound in wall” and after reading through a dozen or so hits, I found one where a woman talked about a similar situation—also in their bathroom. Their cause? An electric razor in the shower.

“Could it be your trimmer in the medicine cabinet?” I asked hopefully. Now off the phone, DH headed toward the bathroom with me close behind. He opened the cabinet and pulled out his obviously silent trimmer. “Shoot,” I said. He started moving things around in the cabinet, then on top of it. When he touched the ceramic cup, the sound changed. Eureka!

Did you know a cheap electric toothbrush can turn itself on?

So, what’s the deal with Facebook Pages?

Posted in Humor, Marketing, Promotion, Real Life, Social Media, Writing by

I have a Facebook Page as an Author. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Not everyone who’s clicked to LIKE it follows me on Twitter or reads this blog, but a good many of them do. I expect some days when I actively participate in social media, they get tired of seeing my avatar pop up on their screens.

Like my Facebook page!I’m not naturally a pushy person. In gatherings, I prefer to sit quietly and listen. Though, I confess, if you start an interesting conversation with me, you might have trouble shutting me up. But I’m an Author now. Part of my job is to interact. So, I have a Facebook Page. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it.

This is different from my personal Facebook account, where I feel free to post silliness. As an Author, I think should be more dignified. I channel links to my blog posts there and comment about my writing progress. Those are fine, but here are some examples of what my Likers also saw as “status” updates this month:

Lays Limón chips should be classified as an addictive substance.

It’s hard to type with a 2nd degree hot glue burn on my index finger.

We are having an honest to God gully-washing thunderstorm! In June! If you lived where I do, you’d know how freaky that is! LOVE IT!

So, you see, I have a Facebook Page, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Do you have one? Can you give me some tips on how to use it effectively as an author … please?