How to query an agent “Family” style!

Dear Agent,

Allow me to make your day by telling you about my novel, The One That Nearly Killed Me. It’s a brilliant work of 170,000 words, with prologue, or 62,000 without. I’ve taken great care to make sure it meets all the current standards for publication: I’ve used no quotation marks for dialogue, and just for good measure I’ve eliminated half the other punctuation—at random. I think that adds depth, don’t you?

The writing is so dense—but lyrical—no one will be able to understand it enough to realize the plot is cliché. Don’t worry; The Emperor’s New Clothes syndrome will prevent 90% of the critics from admitting the novel is garbage, and my Family has ties to ensure that the other 10% have an “accident” before they can blow the whistle.

Also, there’s no problem with marketing on this one. You can sell it as chick lit, thriller, high fantasy, or even self-help. It’s all in there. Of course, no one will actually read it, but once they’ve bought the book, who cares? Plus, because of that syndrome we talked about, they’ll rave to their friends and …  cha-ching!

You’ll notice I didn’t waste your time telling you about the actual story. You don’t really care anyway—do you? The Family’s word is good enough for you, right? Right? I thought so. Oh, another thing, I don’t do contracts, but there will be a little something in it for you.

I’ve attached the entire manuscript, but don’t bother reading it. Just forward it directly to whichever editor is responsible for the most books on the NY Times best sellers list. And if he has any problem with making my book his top priority, tell him I’ll refer him to The Family.

Nice doing business with you.

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34 thoughts on “How to query an agent “Family” style!

  1. Love it. Who wouldn’t want to represent your book with a query letter like that? 🙂 Can I get the “family” to put my yard in too while they’re busy using their connections?

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  2. “The writing is so dense—but lyrical—no one will be able to understand it enough to realize the plot is cliché.”

    My lands, I believe you may be talking about an actual book I just read, or tried to read.

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  3. I think this is one of the best query letters I’ve ever read, and believe me- I’ve read many! Will you write mine for me Linda? 🙂

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  4. I found your blog from a comment on another’s blog … and your comment was something to the effect of “embracing the crone” when you let your gray hair grow out. I have had such issues with the gray hair thing, and found myself just laughing … so even though I’m not all “up” on your blog yet, I will take the time to do so, just because I so loved that comment!

    From one crone to another …..
    brett

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    1. LOL … I had to think hard where I might have left a comment like that, Brett. It was at the Feisty After Fifty blog, wasn’t it? You know, at the time I said that I had no idea there are actually ceremonies by that name. I was just following Jamie Lee Curtis’ example. 😀

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  5. GREAT query letter, Linda! I’m still laughing.

    I swear, that’s how some stuff must get published. It’s not what you write, it’s who you know.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

    Like

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